A rollercoaster - bordering on insane

i'll admit i'm such a strange person. i love reading wedding blogs and finding out what other couples are doing for their wedding - all the little details that make that special day all the more memorable and essentially YOU. yet i'm so conscious of not saying anything wedding-related on this blog simply because i don't want to spoil any surprises. hence, you may imagine, this blog has been sitting here quietly, untouched with the exception of a few random and/or cryptic messages over the past few months which are just thoughts i have in my head, be it having just popped in or one of those that linger at the back of your mind. (if you know me, you know what i'm talking about!)

well today was one of those weird days i've been having every once in a while. i guess it's one of those pensive days when i experience a myriad of moods in a short span of time. to provide you some background, i should start at the beginning.

since the proposal and Josh going back to the UK, i've been full-steam-ahead planning this wedding. considering everything, i imagined planning a wedding to be fun and easy since i do corporate event management for a living and hey, wouldn't it be so much easier (in theory) with me as the client since there's no time-wasting liaison work to deal with?

hur hur.

let's just say that planning a wedding on a budget and calling in favours isn't the same as working on a corporate project where you can bark at suppliers and get things done at your speed. because people have their own lives to live and are not really going to be able to drop everything and do wedding things for you now-now. i guess it was a good lesson in patience and not letting myself snap.

yet at the same time, i've been amazed at the outpouring of love from so many people who've offered time, services for cheaper and even financial support (big shout out to my family!). Indeed God's been good.

i guess i've always had a timeline at the back of my mind. my plan which i instinctively draw up in my head. a plan that pretty much lines up what i have to get done/achieve by a certain time/date. it's my way of dealing with life/the world. box it up and stick it somewhere where i know it is and can mentally prepare self for at the appropriate time.

everything pretty much went on schedule - save for a few things that got a bit delayed but worked out in the end due to me being extra kiasu and giving myself extra buffer time. i had a wonderful, surreal time when Josh was back. it was so amazing - finally feeling like we're a couple, doing things together and ticking things off the checklist (i know that sounds sad but that to me is a wonderful expression of love). and excitement that after he left, the separation would be the shortest! only 10 1/2 weeks till he'd come back.

but there's something that's been bugging me. actually, not quite something. some thingssss. but collectively it's something. time. or lack of. it has been hitting me (at the most unexpected moments) that time is running short. and while there is a sense of euphoria about it, it's scary. like quivering scary. not in a runaway bride way. but a sense that the biggest hurdle is still ahead and there's only so little time left. and it doesn't look like it's going to go away as quickly as the others have - in fact, i think this is probably the biggest challenge we've had.

guest lists and the sending out of invitation cards and by extension, seating arrangements.

then there's the whole pack-my-life-into-boxes-and-move-to-another-continent thing. i mean, sure, i've lived in the UK before but i was a student! there was always that sense of knowing that i have a home in Singapore to go to, that there isn't the immediacy or even need for me to pack everything i own into boxes and move them to the UK/store them away. with this, there is a sense of finality. no comfort of a home to come to where you know all that rubbish you've kept for sentimental reasons is still in exactly the same place they've been for the past goodness-knows-how-long years. perhaps it is also coupled with the fact that with my brother's move (he's going to New Delhi for the next 3 years) and me getting married, my parents are going to sell the house. not a maybe-we-will but a we-are. so everything has to go into some box of some sort to either be sent to the UK or kept here in Singapore for me to reclaim at some later stage of my life.

it's been very see-saw over the last two weeks (goodness, has it only been two weeks?). on the one hand i'm excited about the life ahead (i've been looking at stuff for the house/apartment in Birmingham) but on the other, it's sad to leave this place. stupid i know but moving out of the house is Singapore is a lot more 'traumatic' than the incessent moving i did as a student at university (hello Whitefields!).

there's also me thinking about the visa stuff and getting all my paperwork in order. then worrying about cards getting sent out and attendance being collated. on top of that, the small little details i'm paranoid i've overlooked in the planning. ALL THIS TO BE DONE IN 2 1/2 MONTHS! actually, possibly even less than that.

i guess during this whole time i've been thinking, oh that can be done next year (2010) or after i've stopped working. and now, in my excitement and amidst the countdown, i realise i've only got 18 work days left. 18. :|

so the 'future' is closing in on me. maybe this is what they call pre-wedding nerves! when you panic that you are panicking.

i feel jittery - like i need to do something to calm myself down. because being idle makes me feel like time is slipping through my hands.

(oh that was such a Days Of Our Lives image!)

sigh. i think i need to go to bed.


btw, we have a wedding website! www.josh-and-ade.com